Eurekans to build playground as tribute to Orange Devil

Eureka residents are scheduled to gather at Hammond Park later this month to construct a monument in homage to Satan and Home Depot, who are working together to bring the evils of employment, affordable building supplies and children’s swing sets to the North Coast.

“The project will look an awful lot like a playground,” said Eureka City Councilman Jeff Leonard, who is blamed for the city’s receipt of a $50,000 grant from a shadowy nonprofit called KaBOOM! that will fund replacement of dilapidated play equipment at the 14th and E streets park.

“But don’t be fooled,” Leonard added. “In reality, it will be used as a pagan youth training ground where our kids can learn to conjure the demons of capitalism from the deepest bowels of hell.”

KaBOOM! is funded in part by Home Depot, the malevolent orange big-box that hopes to open a storefront as part of the controversial Marina Center development project slated for a tract of property that transients, stray cats and other endangered species currently call home.

But the retailing giant’s public relations problems don’t stop there. Home Depot actually advertises the fact that it irresponsibly purchases almost all of its wood from North American forests instead of supporting continued deforestation in vulnerable and largely unregulated Third World ecosystems.

KaBOOM!, Home Depot and other donors also conspired to spend more than $10 million gratuitously rebuilding an entire Mississippi town and 100 children’s playgrounds that were destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.

“I gave five bucks to some Girl Scouts who were raising money for Katrina victims,” said virtuous environmentalist Mark Lovelace, who opposes the project and is running for a seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors, “and that contribution came straight from the heart. But county residents are right to be suspicious of people and organizations that solve problems on a large scale rather than making token gestures and then complaining for decades afterward when nothing changes.”

His chief criticism of the Hammond Park playground project is that the process has been “too efficient,” he said.

“Where are the endless meetings the far left uses to showcase its public speaking skills and dramatically misrepresent the issues? Where are the environmental impact reports? Where are the CEQA studies, the public comment sessions? Neither Ken Miller nor myself were even consulted about this project. Can you believe that?”

The process, according to Lovelace, has been “downright undemocratic. Jeff starts flapping his lip in December about some playground bullshit for children, and by the end of March they’re building the thing? It’s too much too fast. We should have spent more time arguing about the process instead of actually getting something done.”

Leonard said the “playground” will include play equipment for children, a mural of Cesar Chavez and an altar for ritual human sacrifice.

Residents interested in supporting this unholy public-private alliance are invited to a community workday at Hammond Park on Saturday, March 29, to help landscape the park and assemble the new equipment.

For additional information or to volunteer your time, phone Meredith VandenBranden at 707-269-2019.

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