Ruh-roh, mofos: Clif-hanger in the Second?

The NCJ is reporting that there are more than 6,000 absentee ballots left to count, so we’ve got ourselves a bit of post-election suspense yet again. With Estelle and Clif separated by only a couple hundred votes, this thing could easily tip to the left.

Interesting to know. But functionally, if Clif did win, what would that change? It would be a 3-2 board instead of a 4-1 board. Nice, but perhaps not critical.

So stay tuned. We’ll get either a new 2nd District supervisor or an experienced one who has learned that spending three and a half years being a complete wank doesn’t exactly rally the base.

In post-election gesture of longing and loss, GPU Option A kisses its own sweet ass goodbye

Whoa, friends!

Fennell upsets the apple cart!!

Seidner gets Bohned!

Looks like there’s finally going to be a General Plan Update. And this is just a guess, but I don’t think our proggy friends are gonna like it one bit.

Hugs!!

This just in: Roger Rodoni corn-holed everything

A press release issued by the Estelle Fennell campaign holds Roger Rodoni personally responsible for the decline of the timber industry in Humboldt County.

And the evidence she cites in support of this? Much of the job loss occurred in Rodoni’s Second District, where most of the timber jobs were to begin with.

Brilliant!! We love it!

Good thing the Ferndale earthquake struck before Rodoni took office, and better still that there haven’t been any deadly meteor showers or elephant stampedes on his watch, or we’d have to blame him for those as well.

Fennell’s breathless announcement made no mention of the industry’s precipitous decline throughout the Pacific Northwest, due in large part to harvest restrictions on public land and the expense associated with dramatically stepped-up environmental protections on private land.

Rodoni filled in some of the logic-gaps for her, and added that Fennell’s remarks betrayed “a gross lack of understanding of basic economic conditions.”

But Fennell insists that she is in fact a remarkably knowledgeable candidate.

She states on her website that the years she spent as a radio news reporter have given her “a true understanding of almost every aspect of what it means to live and work in the 2nd district.”

That’s kind of like saying the pimply faced kid who mans the drive-thru window at McDonald’s has a firm grasp of the problem of world hunger. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but we’d want to see what else he has listed on the ol’ curricula vitae before putting him in charge of UNICEF.

Still, on one subject at least, Fennell’s expertise is unassailable.

“I know how critical the need for good paying jobs is,” Fennell stated in the news release.

And you can take that statement to the bank.

After working two decades as a low-wage news hack for a backwater radio station, Fennell is hoping Second District voters will hand her
the very first
good paying job
of her entire life.

War of words continues in electoral haiku contest

Second and Third District candidates for the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors showed off their verbal wizardry Thursday at a competitive poetry jam attended by hundreds of potential voters.

But the event, sponsored by the League of Women Poets, wasn’t all fun and games.

The poetry jam raised almost a dollar for the Perpetual Campaign to Continuously Re-elect Bonnie Neely, which was apparently in need of both an envelope and a stamp so that the six-term supervisor could at long last respond to Third District candidate Bryan Plumley’s request for a meeting.

But it was another Third District candidate, Paul Pitino, who walked off with the event’s grand prize for this piece:

“No contributions
And no campaign endorsements
Maybe not so smart”

League President Marsha McBusybody called all of the haiku “powerful,” but said Pitino’s was especially moving.

“Like all great art, Paul’s work was transcendent,” McBusybody said. “In a very few words, we were made to understand the smallness of man, the vastness of his ambition and the vividly distinct possibility that Paul Pitino will mow lawns for a living until the day he dies.”

The other electoral haiku are listed below in alphabetical order by the candidate’s last name.

I love Indians
Local Solutions bought me
Blue Lake paid the bill

-Clif Clendenen, Second District

 

Unemployed DJ
Seventy thousand a year
Buys a lot of weed

-Estelle Fennell, Second District

 

Need a real job
Plan B is running Palco
I’d suck at that too

-Mark Lovelace, Third District

 

What sets me apart?
A Democrat with a job
Rare in Arcata

-Bryan Plumley, Third District

 

Hey you two-bit whores
Want to talk about apples?
Mine are fucking huge

-Roger Rodoni, Second District

Clendenen campaign manager calls ventriloquism act ‘political theater’

Fortuna ventriloquist Bill Thorington, the somewhat stilted voice behind sideman Clif Clendenen, called managing the apple grower’s campaign for the Second District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors the “biggest challenge” of his professional career.

“Talk about a dummy,” Thorington said, shaking Clendenen’s head. “I’ve worked with sock puppets that knew more about the issues than this guy.”

Thorington said they tried running the real Clendenen for the seat, currently filled by Roger Rodoni, but after hours of instruction and public speaking classes, the candidate still sounded “uninformed, wooden and not completely human.”

Thorington credited Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely with the idea of using a Clendenen puppet to run against Rodoni as political payback for the incumbent’s independent voting record.

“Bonnie was a godsend,” Thorington said, noting that Neely kicked off Clendenen’s campaign by assigning her own longtime political handler, Meghan Vogel, to file the necessary paperwork and put semi-intelligent words in the candidate’s mouth until management duties could be transferred to a professional ventriloquist.

Neely also made introductions between campaign staff and disgraced political has-been Richard Salzman, who helps produce much of the dialog for the act.

Additionally, Thorington said, the campaign was “indebted” to Neely for leaking county information to the duo so that Clendenen could appear better informed than he is or ever will be.

“That letter Clif suggested the county send to the Palco bankruptcy court, it looked an awful lot like the one the board proposed a couple days later, didn’t it?” Thorington asked, pulling strings in Clendenen’s back so that the candidate appeared to be winking and smiling.

When asked if it was appropriate for one supervisor to blatantly attempt to unseat another, Thorington replied without moving his lips.

“This is just political theater. None of it’s real. Besides, Roger dug his own grave. He should know better than to stand up to Neely or ‘vote his conscience’ or whatever crap he wants to call it. I can assure you the board will have no such difficulties with Clif.”

Former biased news reporter Estelle Fennell is also running for the second district seat. Insiders believe her campaign is unlikely to survive a primary challenge in June, when it will likely be revealed that Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan is pimping a low-level associate from John Edwards’ failed presidential crusade to manage her campaign.