Eurekans to build playground as tribute to Orange Devil

Eureka residents are scheduled to gather at Hammond Park later this month to construct a monument in homage to Satan and Home Depot, who are working together to bring the evils of employment, affordable building supplies and children’s swing sets to the North Coast.

“The project will look an awful lot like a playground,” said Eureka City Councilman Jeff Leonard, who is blamed for the city’s receipt of a $50,000 grant from a shadowy nonprofit called KaBOOM! that will fund replacement of dilapidated play equipment at the 14th and E streets park.

“But don’t be fooled,” Leonard added. “In reality, it will be used as a pagan youth training ground where our kids can learn to conjure the demons of capitalism from the deepest bowels of hell.”

KaBOOM! is funded in part by Home Depot, the malevolent orange big-box that hopes to open a storefront as part of the controversial Marina Center development project slated for a tract of property that transients, stray cats and other endangered species currently call home.

But the retailing giant’s public relations problems don’t stop there. Home Depot actually advertises the fact that it irresponsibly purchases almost all of its wood from North American forests instead of supporting continued deforestation in vulnerable and largely unregulated Third World ecosystems.

KaBOOM!, Home Depot and other donors also conspired to spend more than $10 million gratuitously rebuilding an entire Mississippi town and 100 children’s playgrounds that were destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.

“I gave five bucks to some Girl Scouts who were raising money for Katrina victims,” said virtuous environmentalist Mark Lovelace, who opposes the project and is running for a seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors, “and that contribution came straight from the heart. But county residents are right to be suspicious of people and organizations that solve problems on a large scale rather than making token gestures and then complaining for decades afterward when nothing changes.”

His chief criticism of the Hammond Park playground project is that the process has been “too efficient,” he said.

“Where are the endless meetings the far left uses to showcase its public speaking skills and dramatically misrepresent the issues? Where are the environmental impact reports? Where are the CEQA studies, the public comment sessions? Neither Ken Miller nor myself were even consulted about this project. Can you believe that?”

The process, according to Lovelace, has been “downright undemocratic. Jeff starts flapping his lip in December about some playground bullshit for children, and by the end of March they’re building the thing? It’s too much too fast. We should have spent more time arguing about the process instead of actually getting something done.”

Leonard said the “playground” will include play equipment for children, a mural of Cesar Chavez and an altar for ritual human sacrifice.

Residents interested in supporting this unholy public-private alliance are invited to a community workday at Hammond Park on Saturday, March 29, to help landscape the park and assemble the new equipment.

For additional information or to volunteer your time, phone Meredith VandenBranden at 707-269-2019.

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North Coast residents celebrate jobless jump

Lovelace mulls run against equally distasteful rival

Mark Lovelace confirmed Thursday that he is considering tossing his oversized hat into the ring in a Third District supervisor race that could pit the unpopular Humboldt Watershed Council President for Life against Harbor Commissioner and fellow far-left egomaniac Mike Wilson.

“I think when Supervisor (John) Woolley announced he was stepping down at the end of his term, few district residents imagined someone even more polarizing and repugnant might end up filling that seat,” Lovelace said Saturday morning in an interview with the Humboldt Mirror.

“But John was disliked on an issue-by-issue basis, whereas I plan to elevate arrogant intractability to a comprehensive, even holistic level,” he said.

“For example, my inability to work well with others at the Healthy Humboldt Coalition is directly related to my inability to work well with others on watershed issues, which in turn is related to my inability to work well with others on the important social justice challenges facing our county,” Lovelace explained.

“It’s all connected, so for me it comes down to deciding where I can be the most effective. And maybe that place is in therapy, where I can work out some of my control issues and attempt, finally, to cultivate a few basic interpersonal skills.”

But should he decide to run, Lovelace said, he believes he would have an edge over Wilson.

“I think the advantage I have in this race is that Mike is almost as much of a bone as I am, and that’s a message likely to resonate with Third District voters.”

Candidates have until March 8th to file papers declaring their candidacy.

Related post: North Coast residents celebrate jobless jump

North Coast residents celebrate jobless jump

Loser FestConfetti rained down on the Arcata Plaza yesterday in celebration of the nation’s double-digit hike in unemployment claims.

Unbathed vegans and dogs in neckerchiefs turned out in droves for the event, sponsored in part by the Humboldt Watershed Council.

“It’s a great day for the environment,” said Mark Lovelace, president of the council, as he kicked around a hacky sack with a small group of parolees.

“Look at all of these people not driving cars, not supporting big-box retailers, not adding to the strain on this nation’s dwindling oil reserves,” he said smiling.

“There’s no place they have to be, no paycheck to spend at national chains. In fact, their commitment to sustainability is such that most of them don’t even live in houses, which significantly limits the demands we make on our depleted forests.”

Financial analysts reported this week that jobless claims surged unexpectedly by an estimated 17 percent. Nationwide, more than 350,000 new claims were filed last week, marking the largest weekly increase in more than two years.

But Arcata resident Jeffrey Schwartz, who himself recently became unemployed, told the Humboldt Mirror that he considered himself “lucky,” and that there were no guarantees national joblessness would “trickle down” to other Humboldt County workers.

“We can make it impossible to build, we can regulate employers out of existence, but in the end all we really have is hope,” Schwartz said. “I hope we can continue sending high-paying jobs overseas.”

Other sponsors of the event included Humboldt Baykeeper and the Neely For Whatever campaign fund.