How do you figure?

Am I the only one who wonders what was happening in the moments immediately preceding "Hey I know! Let's Google it!"?

WordPress comes equipped with all sorts of helpful information as part of its blog hosting service. We especially like the list of search terms it provides that show which words and phrases people typed into their computer to land at the Humboldt Mirror. Really? Light testicle spanking?

Fat Guys reunion increasingly unlikely

James Bryant Faulk

Even we recognize that the humor curve on heroin addiction is a bit flat, but it’s worth noting anyway that the former Times-Standard web editor and newswriter is once again a newsmaker–and not in a good way.

James Faulk, 35, has reportedly been charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Who ever thought Chris Durant would end up looking like the successful half of that duo?

James Faulk: The unauthorized translation

For those of you who struggled to understand what longtime Bonnie Neely apologist James Faulk was getting at in his opinion piece news article in today’s Times-Standard, we went to the trouble and expense of having it professionally translated into plain English. No reason why, really, except maybe so even stupid people like us can grasp how gifted a suck-up Faulk really is.

Here is the official translation:

Yeah Pierson gave Neely that $10 thou, but it’s not all about Arkley. Bill and Bonnie go way back, and I mean WAY back, to when Bonnie was helping him obstruct other potential competitors. Then some guy I don’t know from Oregon did $2 thou, then there’s the Hofweber thing, which isn’t weird at all, then, oh yeah, that building firm with Coastal Commission issues, gloss over that for the time being, and then like 50 cents each from some other people. Okay.

So that whole building firm thing–not an issue. Really. Because they destroyed the Dana Point coastline in 2004, whereas Bonnie wasn’t appointed to the Coastal Commission until 2004. See? Definitely not an issue. While I can’t attribute any of this, because it would be kind of dumb even by my standards to quote Bonnie defending Bonnie, trust me when I say she wasn’t involved in the major approval decision. Just in all those little issues subsequent to that. But hey, she said she voted for some and against others, and I’m sure she did. That’s how she rolls.

Now look away, people, or I’ll have to trot out another 1,500 words on her fucking dachshunds the week before the election.

Fat Guy on 44??

While we hope His Fatness is not literally on the 44th president of theses United States, as that might qualify as an assassination attempt, word around town is that one oversized half of our very own Fat Guys has scored an invite to the hottest event in U.S. history.

Sources say James Faulk, Times-Standard assistant editor, father of three, and all-around bon vivant is the proud recipient of a ticket to Barack Obama’s inauguration. How awesome!! Move over, Mr. Chips Goes to Washington. This is Mr. Chips and Dip with a Bucket of Chicken and a Case of Pork Rinds Thrown In for Good Measure.

But James–a word of advice, from us, because we like you: Hold off on that inaugural funnel cake, and maybe show some restraint around the PBR booth. Turns out that you and your 239,999 fellow invitees will have exactly zero toilets available to you during the ceremony. Fortunately, the 3 million or so also-rans who crowd the cheap seats in the back will be able to share one porta-pooer for every 600 attendees.

Don’t know about you, but we think those odds are crap.

Oh, and by the way: From whom did the Fat Guy get his invite?

That, friends, is a secret.