George Clark: Still kind of a dumbfuck

In yesterday’s Times-Standard, failed city council candidate George Clark articulates some of the genius that sent his campaign straight down the ol’ crapper last fall.

A few highlights:

If 75 percent of residents cannot afford home ownership, give them no jobs. That will help.

If the Balloon Track is “essential for growth that actually begins contributing to the local economy,” let it lay vacant and polluted for several decades while you all sit around listening to yourselves talk. Also very helpful.

If “rural cities are limiting infrastructure costs and improving tax bases by expanding the compact lifestyles of their Old Towns to meet the explosion of single households, an aging population, and skyrocketing poverty and foreclosure rates”–well, that’s a nice use of buzz words, friend, but it doesn’t actually mean anything. At all. Really.

And finally, if you run for office and rack up only a couple hundred votes despite the desperate attempts of your handlers and the wads of cash Bill Pierson throws at you, have someone write a thousand words of laughably stupid shit to run in a newspaper under your name.

We keep coming back to one central issue: Lot of people can and do run around talking about their hopes and dreams for the city of Eureka. But all these years later, George, Bonnie, Larry, Pete, Bill, Ken and all their friends whose lives and livelihoods revolve around obstructing productive use of that land have done not one thing to clean it up, have articulated not one plausible plan for the site, and have raised not one dollar to put their plans into action.

All their money, time and attention has gone into making sure no one else does either.

Dare to dream, Eureka!!

We're fucked.

Brace yourselves, Eurekans, because word from the prog pond is that a certain former city councilman is planning to do us the great favor of running for mayor of our fair city.

Yippee kai yay and shit, yes?

Because when we look at the challenges facing Eureka, the first thought that springs to mind is, you know, what we need is the manager of a marijuana dispensary in Arcata to get in here and really turn things around for us.

Just what the pot doctor ordered!!

Uh, yeah. That pot doctor.

And all this time we thought giving us Paul Gallegos and his infamous fraud case was the stupidest thing Ken Miller would ever do.

By the way–that lawsuit. Remember it? The one that was repeatedly laughed out of court because it was all rhetoric and no substance?

Those are roughly the same terms we would use to describe Chris Kerrigan.

“You tend to feed the one that pays you.”

cregslistFile that one under quote of the day.

This refreshingly candid remark was made by a spokesman for the anti-development Citizens for Real Economic Growth, which paid a San Francisco college professor $2,500 to feed Eureka residents pages of apocalyptic misrepresentations about the Marina Center proposal.

Turns out the prof has a history of opposing Home Depots, so CREG knew well in advance what it was buying.

CBRE, the consulting firm hired by Security National, reached very different conclusions, which were double-checked by independent consultants hired by the city of Eureka. And, the Times-Standard reports, the city’s consultants “largely came to the same conclusions” as CBRE.

So why haven’t the suppositions of the hand-picked tool from CREG’s list been verified or even reviewed? Maybe Glass, Miller, Salzman and Ogden have to pony up more cash if they want a second helping of that shit.

Many thanks from Ken Miller

Dear Miss Manners,

Earlier this month, a group of local politicians voted to expend a significant amount of public funds to save my million-dollar home, which as I write remains neatly perched on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean and will likely not, thanks to their efforts, slide into the same.

On Tuesday they will authorize sending a letter of appreciation to the lead agency involved in shoring up the bluff, and it occurred to me that I had not yet thanked the politicians themselves for rushing to assist my neighbors and me in our hour of need.

I should note, however, that these same politicians—rural county supervisors, all of them, really the worst kind of petty bureaucrats—are refusing to support my vision on a variety of other important matters.

In fact, despite my clear opposition, they have proposed making a major highway navigable, and have done nothing to halt improvements that would reduce the number of persons who die on another section of the same road.

As if this weren’t enough, they have on an ongoing basis provided for the filling of potholes in this and other roads, an activity which surely hastens the end of time.

So I write to you in need of a particular kind of thank-you note, one that strikes just the right balance between gratitude and contempt.

The note should reflect my propensity for misrepresentation of basic facts and my own peculiar brand of pseudo-scientific bullshit. It should be divisive, uninformed, apocalyptic and—if I don’t stop myself in time—just plain laugh-out-loud moronic.

Further, it should incorporate words like “boondoggle” and “blunderbuss,” although I clearly don’t know the meaning of either. Hell, I don’t even know what “widening” means, but I sure do want people to think it’s happening all over the place and that we could all fucking die from it.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated, although not nearly enough for me to thank or even acknowledge you, and in fact I will probably behave like a petulant buffoon toward you forever, no matter how much of my expensive real estate you save or sound advice you provide.

So just fuck you and then some,
With thanks,
McKinleyville Mock Doc

Gallegos issues ruling on cause of Christ’s death

Just in time for the Easter holidays, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos announced Friday his long-awaited decision to file a string of charges against the Golgotha police officers accused of killing Jesus Christ more than 2,000 years ago today.

Christ, 33, a former carpenter and resident of Galilee, was beaten, paraded through town and hanged from a cross after claiming to be God.

“This truly is a Good Friday,” Gallegos said in a written statement. “It’s a day for closure, for healing, and for reminding the men and women in law enforcement that there is nothing I won’t do to get revenge for their sweeping endorsement of Worth Dikeman in the last election.”

The charges against the officers have been sealed by court order, but Gallegos said he hopes to proceed to arraignment the next time he does something dumb and needs to divert attention away from his abysmal job performance and plummeting poll numbers.

“Could be any minute,” he said.

When asked why it took so long for him to make a charging decision, Gallegos cited an incomplete autopsy report, a missing body, all the half-days he’s been working while coaching his daughter’s soccer team and the seven full weeks of vacation he’s taken already this year.

“Also,” he said, “I had to wait while my final report on the case was run through that term paper website all the school teachers use now so we could be sure I hadn’t plagiarized anything important.”

The DA said he became interested in the cold case while watching a “Forensic Files” rerun on late-night TV.

In other law enforcement news, the California Department of Justice issued a statistical report showing that crime and stupidity have both risen sharply during Gallegos’ tenure, while convictions and accountability have declined.

Gallegos said he would respond to the report as soon as Ken Miller came up with something intelligent for him to say.

Ken Miller calls for wipees, fresh underpants, as completely normal guy enters Third District race

Far-left string-puller and perennial sore loser Ken Miller deposited a massive load of stink in his chinos Wednesday upon learning that mainstream Democrat Bryan Plumley would challenge enviro-fascist Mark Lovelace for the Third District seat on the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors.

“All of Mark’s supporters should be shit-their-pants scared of Plumley,” said MIller, who characterized the late entrant into the race as “a guy we’re going to have a hard time smearing, pardon the pun.”

“He’s like human Olestra,” Miller said. “He’s from Arcata, he’s a Democrat, he’s worked for years to create jobs in the county, he actually makes sense, and he hasn’t already alienated half the voter-base. If that doesn’t cause a little fecal urgency among his competitors, I don’t know what will.”

As of Wednesday afternoon, six candidates had filed the requisite paperwork to run for the post that was put up for grabs when John Woolley decided to step down at the end of his current term.

Candidates included Plumley, Lovelace, landscaper and former Arcata City Councilman Paul Pitino, former Sacramento politico Christopher Lehman, Harbor Commissioner Mike Wilson, and carpenter and Humboldt Coalition for Property Rights rep Lee Ulansey.

But by Wednesday night, after Miller rolled the major deuce in his drawers, the field had unexpectedly narrowed to three.

Ulansey withdrew to throw his support behind Plumley, while Wilson and Lehman dropped out for reasons unknown.

Only Plumley, Pitino and Lovelace remained.

Plumley, 40, an Arcata business leader, told North Coast Journal Editor Hank Sims that he had no particular agenda but was interested in “economic development” and “competent management,” both of which Lovelace opposes.

Miller said he plans to sue Plumley’s campaign for the cost of having his slacks cleaned replaced, plus a few hundred thou for the emotional distress and lingering stench the nearly foot-long stink-pickle left behind.

Hey Ken: You know that thing you got handed? Look! It’s your ass!

We haven’t had this much fun with a Times-Standard “My Word” piece since our favorite surfing district attorney signed his name to a column he straight stole from a South Carolina law professor.

Fond memories to be sure, although it should be noted that we at the Humboldt Mirror do not condone plagiarism—except possibly when the county’s top law enforcement official steals other people’s original thoughts because even he knows he doesn’t have any of his own, or when the above gets caught in the act and trips over his dick for the next few weeks explaining how the whole thing was completely “inadvertent.” What’s not to like about that?

Still, the story goes that surfer dude’s “My Word” foray into… uh… literary borrowing was not his first. Numerous current and former deputy district attorneys have long maintained that it was McKinleyville pot doc Ken Miller who penned the DA’s historic “fraud” suit against the Pacific Lumber Company, a document Paul Gallegos signed and submitted as though he were some kinda actual lawyer.

So it comes as no surprise that when the suit bellies up for the third time, and the venerable Times-Standard singes Paul’s butt hairs with a smoking-hot editorial, who should be first out of the gate to weigh in on the case but Dr. Ken Miller?

So rich, so fitting, so… well, lame.

Does Miller mention that after three attempts in two courts, not one judge could find a single applicable law in any of the filings—much less a law that had been broken? Does he note that after five long years, the case never even made it to trial? Does he apologize for the years of division and distraction, for the mass wasting of our tax dollars?

Yes. He’s that kind of guy.

Just kidding!

Instead, he sticks to the script he wrote, trots out the same party lines he himself fed to the DA, and continues to pursue his lifelong passion of dividing Humboldt County into broken little pieces.

He also asks a question we would like to answer: Does anyone doubt Pacific Lumber committed fraud? That’s an easy one, Ken. We do. And joining us are the three respected judges who heard the recent appeal and dismissed out of hand both the legal and factual bases of your complaint.

So when you talk about the “foresight” of the suit with Paul’s name on it, suggesting that its visionary qualities may lead to profound changes in law, we’d like to ask a question of our own: How many lawsuits kicked out of court three times before trial can you name that have paved the way for landmark legislation?

Go ahead, Ken. Do write us a response. But please don’t forget to sign your name.