Humboldt County takes vacation from Mark Lovelace

Humboldt County is taking a much-needed break from Third District Supervisor Mark Lovelace, who is traveling with his family in Ireland.

For three whole weeks, county residents will have a reprieve from Lovelace’s arrogance, his incessant self-promotion and his permanently reserved booster seat at Applebees.

His co-workers reacted quickly to the news.

“Well pinch my squid and call me Charlie,” said one courthouse employee. “Who says dreams don’t come true?”

“Oh thank fuck,” said Fifth District Supervisor Clif Clendenen. “Now I can put on my down vest and go stand by the river with that vacant, slightly creepy look on my face and not worry about the little prick calling at all hours to tell me what to do.”

Lovelace also was clearly enjoying himself.

“This place is great,” he said in an exclusive e-mail exchange with the Humboldt Mirror. “Nice people, beautiful country. I’ve been giving the inhabitants a few pointers about how to live their lives and protect their environment. They’re really interested and receptive. It‘s like all ich bin ein Dubliner and shit, you know?”

“He’s a strange bit of yank, that one,” said Dublin resident Seamus McDinkle. “No one wants to get thick wit’ him, but he stopped talkin’ of his self just the once, and that was t’ ask where Enya lived.”

McDinkle said that if Lovelace could keep his mouth shut for even 50 or 60 seconds, “I think we could shave them arse hairs from his chin and knit them into a wee sweater, which we would then shove clean down his throat t’ cork him.”

Lovelace said he will continue on to Northern Ireland, where he hopes to sit down with Gerry Adams and Bono to take “an unbiased but really very super intelligent not to mention smart and intelligent” outsider’s view of the Good Friday Agreement and its role in stream bank erosion.

“I’m a uniter. I’m a healer,” he said. “I’m like the Verne Troyer of international diplomacy, only without the weird-ass sex tape that went viral on the internet.”

McDinkle added that the next village up the road had prepared for Lovelace’s visit by adapting for him a special version of a classic Irish song. “They’re calling it ‘When Irish Ears Are Bleeding,’” he said.

Lovelace identifies new wetlands to protect

A broken toilet valve on the second floor of the Humboldt County Courthouse has created “an environmental opportunity” to convert the first floor of the building into potentially species-saving marshlands, according to 3rd District Supervisor Mark Lovelace.

“As far as I’m concerned, this is now critical habitat and subject to all the protections provided by law,” Lovelace said Thursday.

“At least a dozen different species of endangered mold can now thrive on and in the interior walls of the courthouse. And with only a small amount of work, coho salmon can swim free through the hallways and elevator shafts in pools shaded from the sun.”

The offices of the Humboldt County Board of Supervisors were particularly hard-hit by the flood, with ceiling tiles collapsing onto the desk of County Administrative Officer Loretta Nickolaus.

When asked what she thought of Lovelace’s habitat protection idea, Nickolaus responded that it was “not quite but almost as idiotic as that fucking billy-goat hair he’s got growing on his chin.”