Lunesta stocks surge on word of Gundersen release

Pharmaceutical company Sepracor, manufacturer of the popular sleep aid Lunesta, saw its stock value jump by more than 5 percent Tuesday morning, hours after investors learned that former Blue Lake police chief David Gundersen had been released from jail on bond.

The stock spike followed Wall Street’s worst single-day sell-off in U.S. history.

“I don’t know who this douchebag Gundersen guy is,” said one trader, “but there’s no denying he’s like a one-man economic bailout plan.

“Get it?” the trader laughed. “Bail out?”

But analysts were not entirely amused.

“Sepracor isn’t out of the woods yet,” one noted. “If that glutton-for-punishment backwoods district attorney elects to proceed on the other rape charge, Gundersen could return to custody, which would crater–albeit briefly–demand for the company’s flagship product.”