Times-Standard editorial even dumber than most

It’s amazing the things we can learn from the Times-Standard. Take the editorial from the Sunday edition, in which we are informed that the problem with prosecutions in Humboldt County is not that Paul Gallegos is a dumb, unethical pile of butt-stink–it’s that his office doesn’t have enough money, so we should give him more. Great idea. Maybe while we’re at it, we can give bad drivers more cars, and lousy farmers more land. Hey–let’s give child molesters more dicks, because for sure that’ll make everything better.

Previously we’ve been told that all Gallegos needed was time. Then it was experience. Then it was staff. Now, evidently, it’s money.What Gallegos actually needs is 50 IQ points and a conscience. What he has that serves him almost as well is the editorial board of the county’s only daily newspaper spending a full decade making excuses for him.

Gallegos loses a deputy but gains a potential new scapegoat

Help wanted, and we're not talking about jobs.

As of today, it seems that Deputy District Attorney Ben McLaughlin can add another word to his title: Former.

He and District Attorney Paul Gallegos, whom McLaughlin actively supported in the last election, had what was described as an “ugly” confrontation in the middle of jury selection that ended with McLaughlin quitting his job and walking out of the courthouse.

Conversation must have been interesting around McLaughlin’s dinner table tonight, given that his wife is Assistant District Attorney Kelly Neel. Will McLaughlin tuck it up between his legs and ask for his job back, or will Gallegos’s second-in-command join her husband in the pursuit of new opportunities?

If McLaughlin sticks to his guns, this could be a godsend for Gallegos. He had just about run out of people to blame for his own shortcomings, and it looks like he has at least one new volunteer.

Neely for Congress, Gallegos for Assembly, Clendenen for Mayor McCheese?

Humboldt County politics: McFucked as usual.

Congresswoman Neely? Assemblyman Gallegos? Get ready for your election gossip roundup.

Word around town is that Bonnie Neely is itching to get back into the political game following her  ignominious defeat by Virginia Bass in November. But will she try to go from failed county supervisor to First District U.S. Congresswoman? An endorsement from Mike Thompson, who has announced his intention to run in the redrawn Fifith District, would be crucial.

And when Wes Chesbro term-limits out of the first Assembly district, what fresh young face do you think the Dems will put forward to take his place? We’re hearing it’s none other than District Attorney Paul Gallegos, empty-headed tool and possibly the worst thing ever to happen to the administration of justice in Humboldt County.

The good news is, he can’t possibly be a worse assemblyman than DA, and maybe we could then elect someone to the DA’s Office who wants more out of life than a well shined knob. We can hope for that, anyway.

As for Clif Clendenen, he said he would already be the head of McDonaldland except that in the last vote the Hamburglar stole the election.

Okay, not really.

For Gallegos, ‘multitasking’ means pandering to growers and paying off campaign debt all at the same time

Let’s just hope no one offers him a piece of gum….

Dumbfuck for sale. Serious inquiries only, please.

Gallegos looks to use redistricting discussions to lock re-election prospects

Humboldt County Supervisors won’t be able to avoid wildly whacking the virtual political hornets’ nest Tuesday when they begin discussions on adjusting the supervisorial district boundaries as part of California Elections Code laws following the most recent census tally.

Don't hate me because I am beautiful. Please do cut me some slack on my fundamental lack of knowledge of the law, dismal management and leadership capabilities and breathtakingly giant lapses of morality.

The board is expected to appoint Sheriff Mike Downey, District Attorney Paul Gallegos, Assessor Mari Wilson and Registrar of Voters Carolyn Crnich to the newest committee to mull over ideas,  listen to outspoken members of the SoHum and NoHum public and bring a plan back to the board for a vote.

The supervisors have until November 1 to make the changes that reflect the county’s population growth, which has increased the most in Supervisor Ryan Sundberg’s 5th and Clif Clendenon’s 2nd districts.

As of now Community Development Diservices Director Kirk Girard isn’t directly involved and the Nov. 1 deadline looks easily doable.

As part of the redistricting discussions, insiders say Gallegos will use his position to try and float a plan to sell or cede all county lands to neighboring  Del Norte, Trinity and Mendocino counties except for Garberville, Redway, Arcata and a few pockets of houses in Eureka.

According to his braintrust Natalynne DeLapp and Richard Salzman, the plan would virtually assure Gallegos’ re-election for as long as very small-, small-, medium-, mediumish large-, large-, very large-,  massively large-, and off-the-fucking-hook-EPIC-scale marijuana production remains illegal.

If Gallegos makes a list of law enforcement officers with ethics problems, does he have to put himself on it?

Pot, kettle, etc.

The Times-Standard reports that Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos is making a secret list of of law enforcement officials “whose character and honesty have come into question.”

What could possibly go wrong with that?

So because we like to help–we’re givers, you know, deep down inside–we thought we’d get the ball rolling with a list of people in Gallegos’ own office against whom dishonesty has been not only alleged but judicially substantiated.

Our story begins with a routine DUI arrest in Ferndale and ends almost two years later with a California court of appeal tossing the case after finding that DA Investigator Wayne Cox and Deputy DAs Ben McLaughlin and Randy Mailman committed prosecutorial misconduct and violated the defendant’s constitutional rights.

A subsequent opinion upheld these findings and added Assistant DA Wes Keat–the number-two guy in Gags’ office–to the list of perpetrators.

Go team!!

The appellant, Rocky Crowl, was arrested in Ferndale in 2009 for allegedly driving under the influence. At the time of the arrest, the defendant and his two alleged passengers–Rocky’s girlfriend, named Jessica Sneed, and Rocky’s cousin Christopher Crowl who bore a “ballpark” resemblance to Rocky, according to court records–were out of the vehicle, and it was unclear which Crowl had actually been driving. Was it the drunk Rocky or the sober Christopher?

Sneed and Christopher didn’t help the prosecution’s case a bit when both testified at the preliminary hearing that it had been Christopher, not Rocky, behind the wheel. But this setback was only temporary, because the resourceful men and women from the DA’s Office had a solution: Tell the witnesses that if they testify at trial you’ll throw them in prison for perjury–or, to use the formal term for that activity, intimidate the shit out of the witnesses.

Cox had them arrested (over a 3-day weekend) and both charged with felony perjury and being an accessory to a felony. And then, maybe just because some things never change, McLaughlin offered them a deal in exchange for guilty pleas. Both refused.

Just how unusual was it to arrest and charge defense witnesses with perjury? The trial judge said that in 12 years on the bench, he’d never seen anything quite like it. According to the appellate decision,

We need not ignore the clear inference that the nearly unheard of conduct by the prosecution in this case was designed to intimidate these witnesses and keep them from testifying for defendant.

The court concluded

that the evidence in the record supports the trial court’s finding that the prosecution’s unnecessary urgency in arresting, forcefully interrogating, and filing perjury and accessory after the fact charges against Sneed and Christopher resulted in effectively precluding these previously willing defense witnesses from testifying at defendant’s trial. This was misconduct.

The court notified the California State Bar of its findings of misconduct by McLaughlin, Mailman and Keat.

Oh, and it also affirmed the trial court’s dismissal of the DUI case on the ground that the prosecution violated the defendant’s constitutional right to due process by intimidating defense witnesses.

So there’s four names for Gallegos’ Brady list. We’d put Gags on there too, except it’s pretty hard to question the character and honesty of someone who has neither.

Arcata Eye way funnier than Humboldt Mirror

Photo and story by Kevin Hoover

Gallegos Vows To Complete Subway Take-Out Order ‘Soon’

EUREKA, APRIL 1 – A tense standoff between Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos and a fast food menu entered its 11th day Monday, as the D.A. pondered a range of meat, topping and bun sandwich options that appeared to overwhelm the county’s lead prosecutor.

“Um… let’s see,” Gallegos said to an increasingly impatient Subway employee while attempting to complete a sandwich order. “Let’s do lettuce, tomatoes and, uh… peperoncinis – no, actually, I take that back, because I just remembered that I don’t really like spicy food,” the D.A. said, before regrouping to give it another go.

“Gimme a minute here,” he said, his eyes slowly drifting over to a stainless steel tray of red onions, then over to a condiment tray, then back to the onions, his brow furrowed in deep thought.

“Let’s start over at the beginning, sir,” a Subway clerk advised, motioning to several small loaves of bread arranged on an oven rack. “Would you like a foot-long or six-inch?”

Gallegos then looked in the direction of the oven rack for several minutes without speaking.
One customer characterized his expression as “a blank, thousand-yard stare.”

Lawn chairs, sleeping bags and pickup games of checkers occupied the 50-or-so customers waiting in line outside the Subway and – although nerves were increasingly frayed – patrons made the best of it, in a scene reminiscent of a Harry Potter film release.

Gallegos’ sandwich odyssey struck a familiar note to those accustomed to the D.A.’s poor – or some would even charge, nonexistent – decision-making abilities.

As lead prosecutor, Gallegos’ internal compass has at times displayed all the consistency of a Magic 8 Ball: One minute, offering soft plea deals to violent repeat criminals; the next, engaging in quixotic – and ultimately, failed – attempts at prosecuting elected officials and chiefs of police.

Back inside Subway, Gallegos expressed renewed determination to conquer the sandwich menu:  “I will select my chosen condiments and toppings without fear or favor,” he said in his trademark, meandering gravel-voice – but appeared no closer to narrowing down which vegetables to choose.

Putting a cell phone up to his ear, Gallegos was then overheard to say: “Listen, Richard, I need your help making a decision. No, not on that felony plea-bargain thing… and no, this has nothing to do with the investigation into Allison. Richard, can you remember whether I like dijonnaise?”

Read more here.

Two attorneys win award for work Gallegos took credit for

"Campaign's over. Get this prop off me."

Wait.

You  mean Paul Gallegos issued 10 news releases about how he had straightened Skilled Healthcare around–and two different local attorneys win an award for it?

Poor Paul!

Being a hero of the people is a thankless job.

Neely to lead Team Humboldt into legit pot growing future?

You gotta taste this OG Kush. It'll knock your bong off!

What is a washed up career politician to do when the sweet nourishing milk from the generous taxpayers’ teats runs dry?

Former Fourth District Supervisor Bonnie Neely, made jobless by voters in November’s election, might have her eye on the lucrative pot industry. Why not? Former Eureka City Councilman Chris Kerrigan made the transition easily to medical marijuana advocate. It must pay something since his less-than-successful consulting business has waned in recent years.

Neely says this to SacBee reporter Peter Hecht in a recent article:

“Doing nothing is not an option,” said county Supervisor Bonnie Neely, who supports the Humboldt growers’ plan in concept but is uncertain how large a scale of growing the county should allow. “This is a major part of our economy. I just don’t think we can let Oakland or anyone else just become the leader.”

Whatever the scale, we’re guessing Neely believes it should be big enough to include and pay her.

The article is an interesting read, but we’re overcome with that strange sense of deja vu and confusion in trying to divine what exactly is our DA’s stance on Prop. 19.

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos, the only prosecutor in California to publicly endorse Proposition 19, the initiative voters defeated Nov. 2 that would have made recreational pot legal, says it is time that Humboldt legitimizes the trade “that permeates our society.”

Ruh-roh Shaggy! The only prosecutor to endorse it? Really? Are you sure?

Paul, in clear English, told KSLUG newsman John Matthews in the interview before the Nov. 2 election that “I’ve chosen not to endorse it.” But spent several futile minutes trying to explain that he still supports it and may vote for it too.

Maybe Hecht was confused by Paul’s doublespeak that you can support, but not endorse, or endorse something, but not support it, or endorse the support of something. It’s understandable. It’s all so complicated.

It’s also possible that Paul just can’t quit lying and that what he really wants are people in Sacramento to know what a cutting edge and daring politician he thinks he is by endorsing the medical marijuana initiative? (Pssst. Just don’t tell the pot growing voters who supported and voted to put him in office that he actually endorsed it because they may demand a recall. Nah, just kidding.)

Three Stooges to make rare radio appearance

You do not want to miss this.

KSLG’s charity event Friday at the Eureka Co-Op will include interviews with three of the county’s biggest knob-jobs–one in power, one out, and one holding on for dear life while his well-worn resume is passed over by every cop shop in Northern California.

According to a KSLG media alert, the schedule is as follows:

8:45am Eureka Police Chief Garr Neilsen will provide a state of the city roundup.

9:45am Former Eureka City Councilman Larry Glass will talk about his time in office.

10:20am Humboldt County DA Paul Gallegos will be on to discuss the recent election and his plans for the future.

Maybe those plans include a major three-way in the parking lot of the Eureka Co-op.

Which would be business as usual for them.

Tune in to 94.1 FM to hear their slap and tickle routine for yourself.

SHOCKER: Pot vote pushed Gallegos to victory

Paul Gallegos looks slightly smarter when he squints.

Or as Paul’s spokesperson Thad Greenson likes to say, the “progressive” vote re-elected the assclown, and it’s just a fluke of geography that all those progressive voters happen to live in either the indoor (Arcata) or outdoor (SoHum) pot-growing capitals of the United States.

Yay happy chiefers!! Because now when your deal goes bad or your kid gets killed by someone else Gags couldn’t be bothered to prosecute, you’ll be too mashed to care.

Election Results Final*: Gallegos handlers cling to power for four more years

The Graphics Dept. begrudgingly delivers a Brian Wilson victory beard to Paul. But here's a hearty Mirror congratulations to Ryan, Mike and the other decent folks who won their respective races!

According to a guy who knows a guy who handed another guy a copy of the unofficial final election results, who then e-mailed them to us, District Attorney Paul Gallegos received 52.08% of the votes to challenger Allison Jackson’s 47.61%.

Jackson will return to the Harland Law Firm where she will continue to be a successful attorney and partner.

Gallegos will return to the DA’s Office where he will continue to suck horribly and make our community more unsafe, thanks to the 25,238 voters who care more about keeping vacuous progressive ideals afloat. Honestly, we can’t wait to read what Paul’s crackerjack political team cooks up for his next “My Word.”

On the bright side, nothing changed much in the 5th District race. Ryan Sundberg, with 50.57% of the votes, held on to his lead and defeated Patrick Cleary, who had 49.04%.

The close Eureka race changed little also. Mike Newman received 44.18% of the vote and Ron Kuhnel came in behind him with 41.95%.

And despite her ability to get her hands on and manipulate damn near everything north of Sacramento, Bonnie Neely was unable to change the election results and has still been kicked to the curb by Virginia Bass. By a lot. A lot a lot.

The results, summarized by the T-S, still need to be certified and presented to the Board of Supervisors, who are expected to deal with the matter on Tuesday.

Paul Gallegos finds new cliff to throw his political career off of

Gallegos switches to a professional management team for his 2014 campaign.

After several famous missteps, our district attorney’s handlers have lit upon one way to keep Paul Gallegos from plaigiarizing: They do all the writing themselves.

It works something like this. First, local gadfly and famously crazy person Elizabeth Conner suggests a “VERY ROUGH OUTLINE, PLEASE EDIT AND REFINE,” and then knocks out a basic thank-you letter to volunteers, supporters and staff:

Although the final election results are not yet known for certain, I want to thank all my campaign volunteers, supporters and staff for their hard work and belief in the concept that everyone is equal before the law and that both the accused and accusers have rights.

Because conceivably there are people out there who don’t believe in these things. Conner gets a little hung up when trying to put into words exactly why people supported Paul:

Most of all, thank you to those who voted for me and expressed your confidence in me and our team [OR A VALUE].

A value like love or puppies or good fashion sense, perhaps.

But let’s not fret over details, because as Richard Salzman notes when he sends the draft to Gallegos:

Remember that this is just the BEFORE, final results letter and that Evenson is going to work with you on a Guest Editorial / My Word, to follow the final results.  But getting this out now will make it easier for me to raise money.

So the county’s most prominent attorney will have someone on hand to help with the big words then as well.

It looks like Team Gags thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?

Enter Michele Shoshani, Paul’s secretary at the District Attorney’s Office.

Because while this tax-funded county employee was distributing a campaign letter to local media from work, during work hours, using work equipment, in violation of several FPPC regulations, she went ahead and left all the previous drafts attached, from concept to finished product.

You just can’t get good help these days, can you?

Fortunately, Kevin Hoover posted the whole damn thing on the Arcata Eye website.

Hurry on over there and get yourself a laugh.

Photo credit: Whoever’s facebook page we ganked these off of.

Quote of the day

I fucking hate politics.

That gem from none other than Joan Gallegos.

Yeah. Stay classy, Joan. Stay classy.

Oh well. Laws are for other people.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol can make people even stupider than they already are.

Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos displayed more of his trademark integrity, legal acumen and just plain common sense when he enlisted his underaged son to help out in the beer booth at a fundraiser on Saturday.

The person who sent us this photo said the child was “pulling the tap and helping serve beer.”

California law specifies a minimum age of 18 or 21 to serve alcohol, depending on the setting.

The legal issues aside,  so much for all t hose deeply held convictions about the evils of strong drink.

Our informant said Gags was not fit to be a parent, let alone a district attorney.

We’ll drink to that.

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