Gallegos issues ruling on cause of Christ’s death

Just in time for the Easter holidays, Humboldt County District Attorney Paul Gallegos announced Friday his long-awaited decision to file a string of charges against the Golgotha police officers accused of killing Jesus Christ more than 2,000 years ago today.

Christ, 33, a former carpenter and resident of Galilee, was beaten, paraded through town and hanged from a cross after claiming to be God.

“This truly is a Good Friday,” Gallegos said in a written statement. “It’s a day for closure, for healing, and for reminding the men and women in law enforcement that there is nothing I won’t do to get revenge for their sweeping endorsement of Worth Dikeman in the last election.”

The charges against the officers have been sealed by court order, but Gallegos said he hopes to proceed to arraignment the next time he does something dumb and needs to divert attention away from his abysmal job performance and plummeting poll numbers.

“Could be any minute,” he said.

When asked why it took so long for him to make a charging decision, Gallegos cited an incomplete autopsy report, a missing body, all the half-days he’s been working while coaching his daughter’s soccer team and the seven full weeks of vacation he’s taken already this year.

“Also,” he said, “I had to wait while my final report on the case was run through that term paper website all the school teachers use now so we could be sure I hadn’t plagiarized anything important.”

The DA said he became interested in the cold case while watching a “Forensic Files” rerun on late-night TV.

In other law enforcement news, the California Department of Justice issued a statistical report showing that crime and stupidity have both risen sharply during Gallegos’ tenure, while convictions and accountability have declined.

Gallegos said he would respond to the report as soon as Ken Miller came up with something intelligent for him to say.