This just in: The North Coast Journal doesn’t like Walmart

Wow. What’s with the North Coast Journal and its anti-Walmart fixation? After secret photo montages and signage alerts, their latest eruption has been over an invitation to a grand opening.

Aaaagh! Scary stuff.

So in between knocking back some PBRs and laughing about Ryan Burns’ concern for Mark Lovelace’s penis, we put together a short list of things the NCJ might think about once the store is open and the world does not, despite their hysterics, come to a barbaric end. They might consider paying attention to:

  1. All the people who are then working and shopping at Walmart, whether or not the NCJ wants them to.
  2. The fact that the NCJ hasn’t been a very good news organization in a long time, and turns out to be an even crappier advocacy group.
  3. Oh and here’s one. Remember news? Yeah. You might think about paying some attention to that.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been in a Walmart. I don’t particularly like the stores and don’t know if I’ll ever have a reason to go into this one. But despite the NCJ’s obsession with the retail giant, no one there has explained why we should all be up in arms about retail activity in a shopping mall. They haven’t clarified why Walmart’s so awful, but Target’s okay, as are Kohl’s, and Sears, and Kmart, etc. In short, they haven’t done shit but point fingers and laugh–which we love! But then we’re not pretending that what we do is news.

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We could fuck up his campaign for half of what she’s making

In this week’s North Coast Journal, Team Gags’ high-priced fake campaign manager learns what reporters do for a living.

Originally thought to be a priceless work of art, this photo turned out instead to be, like its subject, a total and complete fraud.

Arts Gallegos

Inside District Attorney Paul Gallegos’ campaign headquarters — 321 3rd St. in Old Town Eureka — Arts Alive! patrons were exhibiting their native behavior: milling about, socializing, vaguely gazing at paintings while gnoshing delicate mouthfuls of crackers and oily salami. At the counter of the former coffee house, a woman absentmindedly ran her fingers through a basket of campaign buttons while chatting with the volunteers on the other side. In the course of their banter she offered an endorsement as tepid as the San Pellegrino orbiting the room in clear plastic cups: “Regardless of personal feelings,” the woman said blithely, “I don’t think we have another candidate who’s a better option.”

Impassioned, full-throated endorsements have fallen off a bit since 2004, when Humboldt County’s DA fought off a recall challenge bankrolled by villainous Texan Charles Hurwitz’s Pacific Lumber Company. Such an enthusiasm decline is to be expected, argued Gallegos’ campaign manager Natalynne DeLapp. “It’s the nature of the job,” she said after side-stepping some new arrivals. “If you’re in the court system, you’re not going to be happy.” And with roughly 12,000 cases prosecuted each year, that makes for plenty of unhappy voters. Still, as the campaign swings into full gear (phone-banking sessions are now happening four days per week) DeLapp is cautiously optimistic — though with four candidates in the field, she admitted that a runoff is very likely. “It’s gonna be between Allison Jackson and Gallegos,” she predicted confidently.

DeLapp casts challenger Paul Hagen in the role of potential spoiler. The former environmental prosecutor could split the progressive vote, she said before launching into a litany of reasons why he shouldn’t. “I don’t know who told him to run,” she said bitterly. Regardless, Gallegos has more than seven years of experience. “Paul’s grown into this job,” DeLapp said. “We’ve trained him on our dime, [and] he needs to be able to continue.”

Gallegos himself stayed busy pressing palms and greeting supporters as they filed through the room, which was adorned with paintings of ocean waves. DeLapp pulled him from a jovial huddle to speak to a reporter. Yes, he said, a November runoff is likely inevitable. “Numerically you’d have to expect that.” And he agreed that whether his experience serves as an asset or a liability will depend largely on each voter’s experience with the court system. Personal grudges are unavoidable, though. “That’s part of the job,” Gallegos said, “which is why I focus on doing [the job] rather than keeping it.”

— Ryan Burns

St. Joseph nurses accused of re-enacting scene from classic disaster comedy

Nurse Bonnie Ratchet

Nurse Bonnie Ratchet

The North Coast Journal‘s Ryan Burns reports that four ICU nurses and a supervisor placed on administrative leave from St. Joseph Hospital have now been fired for allegedly “over-sedating patients, disregarding medication schedules and spending too much time on the Internet — all while maintaining a ‘party-like atmosphere’ during night shifts.”

One of the five nurses, who worked the night shift together, told Burns, “Part of the reason we get paid more is to be up all night. There’s a lot of slack time. We read books, play games, watch the Internet, go check eBay.”

Potlucks and jam sessions were also part of the nightly routine, Burns reported, with two of the nurses involved “regularly strumming their guitars.”

The one nurse dumb enough to participate in this interview said the crew first made sure nearby patients were sedated, adding, “It’s actually very soothing.”

Okay. Well, if you say so, friend.